It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
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X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad