Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
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my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Ugh but profoundly
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me