If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
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CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Great game to play with friends
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
My guardian angel deserves a raise