Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
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They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Perfect.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
You’re the water to my grease fire.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who