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There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
I love twitter
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.