[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
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I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL