omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
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When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!