Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
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wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Lol.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*