Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
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Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds