It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
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*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down