WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
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My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
This is sending me to another galaxy
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.