That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
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I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
barbara was highly relatable
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.