Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
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All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
when u come home smelling like another dog
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
crochet youtube is brutal
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.