My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
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Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Risking my life for fun.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel