As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
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If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.