Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
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On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Who knew!
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught