Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
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Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.