Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
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fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not