She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
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Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
my dad has had enough
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
tourist season
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.