I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
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Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers