I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
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[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.