Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
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puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”