[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
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“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Encore…
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong