Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
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Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
All generalizations are stupid.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
My typo game is string.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.