Ha
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*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
those birds must be on payroll
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.