I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
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I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”