Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
You Might Also Like
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Quadruple digit IQ
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.