Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
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My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Cinematography is my passion
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Good advice.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.