“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
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Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.