[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
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watergate? u mean a dam??
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
same energy
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”