“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
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Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
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Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Thursday
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence