If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
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Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
If snakes were wide