Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
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director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
real