The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
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I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
“Huge”.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
🤣🤣🤣
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.