Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
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ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?