[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
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Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Sorry not sorry.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now