Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
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Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Bond. Trauma bond.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.