I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
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Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
A French press is when you hug naked
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.