I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
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the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.