Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
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Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.