Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
You Might Also Like
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
My life coach traded me.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed