Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
You Might Also Like
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.