A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
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Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Happy Thanksgiving
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Perfect.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Hero horse inspires millions
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.