Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
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get you a girl who
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
White parent Vs Arab parents
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.