After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
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You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
my dog when i have a friend over
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something