Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
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Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
The absolute effort that went into this omg
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.