It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
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Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.