[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
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Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse