There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
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robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy