Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
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Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
What a chick magnet..
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.